Tomorrow is my 37th birthday. I remember a time when 37 years old seemed so old, almost ancient. I remember a time when 20 seemed old. I was convinced that by 21 I would know everything, and when I reached 21 I thought I DID know everything. Tomorrow, I will be 37, and I realize now that I know very little indeed.
I'm not doing with my life what I thought I would be doing at thirty-seven. I look at the lives of other 37 year olds and am amazed at how "grown up" I think they are compared to me. I have done a lot though. I helped start a church my junior year of high school. I joined the Navy at 19 and served 6 years active duty during Desert Storm/Desert Shield. I married at 20; had my daughter at 21; divorced at 26. I got two degrees, finishing my last BBA degree in management at age 36. I have supported myself and my daughter since my divorce 10 years ago. I moved us all the way from Virginia to Alaska, with no help. I have done a lot of "grown up" things. Yet, I still don't feel I'm where I thought I would be at this time in my life. Does aging do that? Make one wax and wane (what does that even mean?) philosophical? I thought I'd be further financially, career wise, and definitely didn't intend on having the body I have now. I'm in a job that bores me to death and doesn't challenge me at all. In fact, every morning I enter my place of work, I believe I can FEEL brain cells dying. Financially, I'm doing well enough to take care of myself and Kaylee alone, with few extras. I don't have to depend totally on myself now, but I refuse to ever be totally dependent on another, even if I'm married to them. Physically, I sure didn't plan on having a body that looks like I'm still trying to lose the baby fat I gained when pregnant with my daughter (and I can't use just giving birth as an exuse anymore, as she's 15 1/2 years old now!). I'm always telling the kids that "failing to plan is planning to fail." Peeking over the hill at my 37th birthday, I feel like I've failed at a few things, by failing to plan more for myself and following through. I feel like a total hypocrite too when I get upset with them for being lazy and not doing chores, for not being active, for not being vigilant in their studies, for not living up to their full potential. Exactly what right do I have to get upset with them, when I haven't lived up to my own full potential?
I feel old. I know that 37 isn't OLD old, but I feel my age. All that said and done, what now? I haven't gone on that diet and exercise plan I know I need to for my wedding, for my life, for my future. I am still just going home and crashing, instead of heading outside and raking leaves, or doing crafts, or reading, or being productive. I'm still at the same job, no energy or effort being spent on finding another. Honestly, looking at it, those are the only things I feel I haven't been proactive about changing in my life. I know I'm a strong person. I know that my family depends on me to be the "rock," the "leader," the one that guides them into doing what needs to be done. But, no one leads or guides me. I've been so busy guiding everyone else, that I've neglected taking care of myself and being the one who encourages myself to do what I need to do to be where I need (not just want) to be. I'm always telling the kids that if they don't reach their full potential that they have no one to blame but themselves, that they have all the tools necessary to be the best that they can be. I need to preach to myself more, and others less.
I'm not one for pity parties. I don't feel sorry for myself, so that ends the party right there. I'm more upset with myself than pitying. I don't want to get back on here at the eve of my 38th birthday and be rehashing everything I just wrote. I know that all it takes is me putting my mind and energy towards a goal, and I can accomplish anything I set my mind to (oh my god, I'm channeling my mother now, I knew I'd heard that somewhere before). I've accomplished all that I have in my life, on my own. What is to be is up to me, I determine my destiny. I'll have to look at my life like a plan for a successful business and get to work.
Ah, aging.... It really is a good thing. I need a Tylenol after all this hard thinking so early in the morning.
Showing posts with label Thoughts. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Thoughts. Show all posts
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
Being Fat Sucks
Everyone knows it... being fat SUCKS. Anyone who claims to be fat and happy, or pleasantly plump, is just fat and deluded. Anyone who tells you that you "have such a pretty face" is basically saying "Lord, when did you get so FAT?" If you are ever described as having "a nice personality," read that as "there's no chance I want to sleep with you."
I joined Weight Watchers again yesterday. I've joined, quit, and rejoined so many times that if I pasted all of my membership booklets on the wall, I could wallpaper my bathroom a few times over. Why have I joined and quit so many times? Well, being fat does suck, but the pain of withdrawing from eating, and the pain of working out, is more painful than being fat sometimes. Weight Watchers and their program is much better than the clinical study I did from November of 2005 to January of 2006 though. That was a total nightmare. Here's some advice: if ever given the opportunity to take a drug that hasn't been approved by the FDA, a drug that doesn't have a name (only a number), the opportunity to participate in a program that requires that every time you go in for an appointment you have blood drawn, have to pee in a cup, and have to get an EKG done, RUN (or waddle, or crawl, depending on your fitness level) as fast as you can! Why do we put ourselves through stuff like that in hope of losing a few pounds? In hope of finding a miracle cure that allows us to eat whatever we want, exercise little, and end up looking like Jessica Biel? It's not going to happen!
I don't like stepping on the scale any more than the next person. I don't care if it's 5 pounds, or 50 pounds, any woman who feels she isn't the "ideal" weight has a love/hate (or hate/hate) relationship with her scale. Like being in a bad relationship with a man and staying, we keep stepping onto the scale, hoping it will tell us what we want it to, justify our not having that piece of cake at dinner or that slice of pie at lunch, will it into making us feel good about ourselves. And what do we do when it doesn't read what we want it to? We feel bad, abuse ourselves because we were "bad" and that's why we didn't lose the weight, and then get right back on it the next morning.
I have to say one thing about the clinical study I did, I did lose weight. Going on a drug with no name, enjoying the wonderful side effects of no appetite, emotional upheaval (it made me LOOOOOOOOPY), sleeplessness and irrational amounts of nervous energy (I was like a toy poodle on LSD) helped get some of the weight off. But, when I realized I was heading to crazy land, I got off the ride! What happens when one gets into a program with no possiblity of making it a life-long change? Uh, POOF! the weight one lost suddenly finds its way back to where it left.
A friend of mine has this whole theory on the distribution of weight. He says that the earth can only hold so much weight without spinning out of its orbit into space and that the weight has to continuously be redistributed. So, when one person loses weight, another has to gain it. That's why, with the extinction of the dinosaurs and so many large mammals becoming extinct, the population of humans had to increase, to maintain the weight distribution. Don't know if I believe his theory, but I do know that the more weight my friends lose, the wider my hips get. Instead of taking personal responsiblity and admitting that I've gained weight because I have no self control, I guess I can blame it on the weight distribution concept?
Anyway, I didn't join Weight Watchers simply because they have a wonderful program. If I have to be honest, I also joined because I need to be responsible to someone else. It's too easy to lie to myself when dieting. It's too easy to roll back over in bed when the alarm goes off, instead of going to the gym. I tell myself I've already done a half marathon, I've already run a few 8K runs, I don't have anything to prove. I tell myself I'm in ok shape, so I'm ok. Lie, Lie, LIE to myself. I also joined WW because I like the fact that when I go to meetings, there are people there that inspire me, people who have been where I am now on their weightloss journey. And, there are a lot of people there that are bigger than me. Somehow, in my own sadistic way, it makes me feel good about myself that I'm not where they are. Plus, for every five pounds I lose, I'll get stickers. I always liked stickers. I like the instant gratification I feel when I get a gold star. If I got them at work, I'd probably work harder!
Use whatever catch prase you like to encourage you to lose weight... the whole "Nothing tastes as good as being thin feels" mantra doesn't do it for me. But, "Being fat sucks" definitely does. It's simple. It's catchy. It's true. BEING FAT SUCKS!
I joined Weight Watchers again yesterday. I've joined, quit, and rejoined so many times that if I pasted all of my membership booklets on the wall, I could wallpaper my bathroom a few times over. Why have I joined and quit so many times? Well, being fat does suck, but the pain of withdrawing from eating, and the pain of working out, is more painful than being fat sometimes. Weight Watchers and their program is much better than the clinical study I did from November of 2005 to January of 2006 though. That was a total nightmare. Here's some advice: if ever given the opportunity to take a drug that hasn't been approved by the FDA, a drug that doesn't have a name (only a number), the opportunity to participate in a program that requires that every time you go in for an appointment you have blood drawn, have to pee in a cup, and have to get an EKG done, RUN (or waddle, or crawl, depending on your fitness level) as fast as you can! Why do we put ourselves through stuff like that in hope of losing a few pounds? In hope of finding a miracle cure that allows us to eat whatever we want, exercise little, and end up looking like Jessica Biel? It's not going to happen!
I don't like stepping on the scale any more than the next person. I don't care if it's 5 pounds, or 50 pounds, any woman who feels she isn't the "ideal" weight has a love/hate (or hate/hate) relationship with her scale. Like being in a bad relationship with a man and staying, we keep stepping onto the scale, hoping it will tell us what we want it to, justify our not having that piece of cake at dinner or that slice of pie at lunch, will it into making us feel good about ourselves. And what do we do when it doesn't read what we want it to? We feel bad, abuse ourselves because we were "bad" and that's why we didn't lose the weight, and then get right back on it the next morning.
I have to say one thing about the clinical study I did, I did lose weight. Going on a drug with no name, enjoying the wonderful side effects of no appetite, emotional upheaval (it made me LOOOOOOOOPY), sleeplessness and irrational amounts of nervous energy (I was like a toy poodle on LSD) helped get some of the weight off. But, when I realized I was heading to crazy land, I got off the ride! What happens when one gets into a program with no possiblity of making it a life-long change? Uh, POOF! the weight one lost suddenly finds its way back to where it left.
A friend of mine has this whole theory on the distribution of weight. He says that the earth can only hold so much weight without spinning out of its orbit into space and that the weight has to continuously be redistributed. So, when one person loses weight, another has to gain it. That's why, with the extinction of the dinosaurs and so many large mammals becoming extinct, the population of humans had to increase, to maintain the weight distribution. Don't know if I believe his theory, but I do know that the more weight my friends lose, the wider my hips get. Instead of taking personal responsiblity and admitting that I've gained weight because I have no self control, I guess I can blame it on the weight distribution concept?
Anyway, I didn't join Weight Watchers simply because they have a wonderful program. If I have to be honest, I also joined because I need to be responsible to someone else. It's too easy to lie to myself when dieting. It's too easy to roll back over in bed when the alarm goes off, instead of going to the gym. I tell myself I've already done a half marathon, I've already run a few 8K runs, I don't have anything to prove. I tell myself I'm in ok shape, so I'm ok. Lie, Lie, LIE to myself. I also joined WW because I like the fact that when I go to meetings, there are people there that inspire me, people who have been where I am now on their weightloss journey. And, there are a lot of people there that are bigger than me. Somehow, in my own sadistic way, it makes me feel good about myself that I'm not where they are. Plus, for every five pounds I lose, I'll get stickers. I always liked stickers. I like the instant gratification I feel when I get a gold star. If I got them at work, I'd probably work harder!
Use whatever catch prase you like to encourage you to lose weight... the whole "Nothing tastes as good as being thin feels" mantra doesn't do it for me. But, "Being fat sucks" definitely does. It's simple. It's catchy. It's true. BEING FAT SUCKS!
Tuesday, April 17, 2007
Days to Remember
There are days that, simply by virtue of having something tragic take place on their date in American history, live on as numbers that everyone as a whole recognizes when the number is said. When I say 9/11 (Twin Towers and Pentagon hit by terrorists), everyone knows what I'm talking about. Then, there's 4/20 (Columbine Massacre), 10/12 (USS Cole attacked in the Yemeni port) and now 4/16. April 16 will be known forever as the day that one lone gunman attacked at the campus of Virginia Tech and took the lives of 32 people, before taking his own life. I don't think that any of us can understand what would cause a person to do something so insane as to take a gun, kill 32 innocent people, then take their own life. And, what makes it even more crazy is that massacres like this seem to only be noticed in this country when they happen in this country.
Every day in Iraq there are suicide bombers attacking buses, schools, people waiting in line at job centers, people at home eating dinner at their kitchen tables with their families or people going to pray at a mosque. Those attacks receive perhaps one article in our American newspapers, if not just a few sentences. More often than not, we don't even ever hear about the attacks in Iraq. On a daily basis in African nations, the base of power is constantly shifting, pitting local militia men against warlord types who massacre entire villages just for the fun of it, raping, pillaging and desimating entire populations. Again, maybe it warrants a paragraph or two in our papers here.
What makes the dates here in America matter more than the dates in other "less civilized" countries? Why are we so shocked when people in our "civilized" society behave so uncivilized? I think the reason why those dates matter so much to us is that they remind us that we too are human. We are base, crude, hurtful and animalistic. Our capitalist society doesn't really set us above anyone, that's a myth we perpetuate to feel safe. We aren't any better than any other nation, or safer than any other nation. It only takes one person, one event, one "human" being to bring us back to reality and remind us that we are fragile and vulnerable, not an island super power existing in Utopia above the rest of the huddled masses. I pray for all the families of those killed in the Va Tech killings. I also pray for all the families of those killed in every country where people act like base, crazy "humans."
If we concentrated more on making every day important, and looked for reasons to do something good for the population on a daily basis, maybe we could replace the days that are remembered for horrific events with days that are remembered for love, joy and peace. I know it will never happen, but wouldn't it be nice to remember a date simply because nothing bad happened on that date. Remembered because there was no bad news, no death anywhere. Remembered it because it was a date when everything went right. Wouldn't it be nice to have a string of days to remember like that. A month of days that turned into a year of days. Those would be dates I'd gladly mark on my calendar. Days to celebrate, instead of mourn.
Every day in Iraq there are suicide bombers attacking buses, schools, people waiting in line at job centers, people at home eating dinner at their kitchen tables with their families or people going to pray at a mosque. Those attacks receive perhaps one article in our American newspapers, if not just a few sentences. More often than not, we don't even ever hear about the attacks in Iraq. On a daily basis in African nations, the base of power is constantly shifting, pitting local militia men against warlord types who massacre entire villages just for the fun of it, raping, pillaging and desimating entire populations. Again, maybe it warrants a paragraph or two in our papers here.
What makes the dates here in America matter more than the dates in other "less civilized" countries? Why are we so shocked when people in our "civilized" society behave so uncivilized? I think the reason why those dates matter so much to us is that they remind us that we too are human. We are base, crude, hurtful and animalistic. Our capitalist society doesn't really set us above anyone, that's a myth we perpetuate to feel safe. We aren't any better than any other nation, or safer than any other nation. It only takes one person, one event, one "human" being to bring us back to reality and remind us that we are fragile and vulnerable, not an island super power existing in Utopia above the rest of the huddled masses. I pray for all the families of those killed in the Va Tech killings. I also pray for all the families of those killed in every country where people act like base, crazy "humans."
If we concentrated more on making every day important, and looked for reasons to do something good for the population on a daily basis, maybe we could replace the days that are remembered for horrific events with days that are remembered for love, joy and peace. I know it will never happen, but wouldn't it be nice to remember a date simply because nothing bad happened on that date. Remembered because there was no bad news, no death anywhere. Remembered it because it was a date when everything went right. Wouldn't it be nice to have a string of days to remember like that. A month of days that turned into a year of days. Those would be dates I'd gladly mark on my calendar. Days to celebrate, instead of mourn.
Thursday, April 12, 2007
Calm After the Storm
We had a storm last night. I'd sent Nicholas outside to clean up the backyard, and he sheepishly opened the back door and said, "Do you still want me to clean up the yard? It's hailing or something." I hadn't noticed. I looked up through the sky lights. Sure enough, it was hailing.
It hailed for a little while, then started to snow. God was teasing me, letting me think we had just a little bit more of winter left. The skies blackened. Then, just as quickly as it moved in, the storm was gone. The sun came out. The sky turned back to blue. The dark clouds moved on.
When I took the kids to get dinner, I could see the darkness heading towards the horizon, towards the west where the sun was beginning to set. I had to take a picture (or 30). I drove the kids (complaining all the while) up to the top of Skyline Drive, up to the Mount Baldy base. I walked out onto the snow (slush) and started snapping pictures. There were others with me there, admiring one of the last sunsets we'd be able to see before 10 pm, before the nights get so long they flow seamlessly to dawn, only a brief dusk separating night from day. The sunset was amazing. The storm clouds looked like they were going to gobble up the sun as it was setting, they were dark and ominious. But, just where the Sleeping Lady lay on the horizon, the sky was clear, undisturbed but for a few clouds. The sunset was absolutely breathtaking. As the sun descended below the horizon, a lone paraglider dipped across the sky, right into my camera's view finder range. I had to capture him in flight.
The Sleeping Lady lay undisturbed by the approaching storm, man could fly, the trees were budding with the first promise of life after a long winter, and I felt like I was ascending somehow. All was right with the world at that moment.
I love Alaska!
It hailed for a little while, then started to snow. God was teasing me, letting me think we had just a little bit more of winter left. The skies blackened. Then, just as quickly as it moved in, the storm was gone. The sun came out. The sky turned back to blue. The dark clouds moved on.
When I took the kids to get dinner, I could see the darkness heading towards the horizon, towards the west where the sun was beginning to set. I had to take a picture (or 30). I drove the kids (complaining all the while) up to the top of Skyline Drive, up to the Mount Baldy base. I walked out onto the snow (slush) and started snapping pictures. There were others with me there, admiring one of the last sunsets we'd be able to see before 10 pm, before the nights get so long they flow seamlessly to dawn, only a brief dusk separating night from day. The sunset was amazing. The storm clouds looked like they were going to gobble up the sun as it was setting, they were dark and ominious. But, just where the Sleeping Lady lay on the horizon, the sky was clear, undisturbed but for a few clouds. The sunset was absolutely breathtaking. As the sun descended below the horizon, a lone paraglider dipped across the sky, right into my camera's view finder range. I had to capture him in flight.
The Sleeping Lady lay undisturbed by the approaching storm, man could fly, the trees were budding with the first promise of life after a long winter, and I felt like I was ascending somehow. All was right with the world at that moment.
I love Alaska!
Tick Tock of Time
April 9, 07
Kaylee couldn't sleep last night. The snow is melting off of the roof, water dripping onto the ground. The noise kept her awake. She wanted me to lay down with her and rub her back to help her fall asleep.
The sound of the water hitting the ground didn't sound like a "drip." Where did that even come from, that it "drips?" It sounded like a ticking clock. As melancholic as I am about winter passing, it just added to my feeling that I'm counting down time till there's no more snow. With each "tick" of the falling water droplets, I felt winter slipping away. The melancholy is slowly leaving though. I'm now looking for the buds on the trees that signal spring. We also "spring" cleaned the house yesterday, which got me thinking WHY there's such a frenzy to clean once the snow starts to melt and the days get longer. Is it an internal drive to clean the cave or den, to make way for the bounties of spring, summer and fall to come? I know when the ticking of the water stops, spring will be here. The countdown will be over, and I'll be starting another countdown, till winter comes again.
Kaylee couldn't sleep last night. The snow is melting off of the roof, water dripping onto the ground. The noise kept her awake. She wanted me to lay down with her and rub her back to help her fall asleep.
The sound of the water hitting the ground didn't sound like a "drip." Where did that even come from, that it "drips?" It sounded like a ticking clock. As melancholic as I am about winter passing, it just added to my feeling that I'm counting down time till there's no more snow. With each "tick" of the falling water droplets, I felt winter slipping away. The melancholy is slowly leaving though. I'm now looking for the buds on the trees that signal spring. We also "spring" cleaned the house yesterday, which got me thinking WHY there's such a frenzy to clean once the snow starts to melt and the days get longer. Is it an internal drive to clean the cave or den, to make way for the bounties of spring, summer and fall to come? I know when the ticking of the water stops, spring will be here. The countdown will be over, and I'll be starting another countdown, till winter comes again.
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